There was an alter call at church yesterday. It’s something I’ve never seen in my time at that body. It was well placed for the message of salvation preached with all authority. I’ll be honest, when we were told to close our eyes, I was wrestling with some thoughts. Is Jesus Lord over my life? Am I missing something? I concluded that I wasn’t missing something but that I was missing the mark [i.e. living in sin]. I couldn’t put my finger on it but it was tearing me up. And then a nightmare became reality for this quiet, introvert whose husband forces her to sit in the front row at church. Our lead disciple maker, the person other churches would identify as the lead pastor, came up with his sweet wife and asked if they could pray over Kennedy and I. It wasn't that they asked to pray over us in front of the body, it was what came after that. I didn’t think too much of this ask until he asked why I raised my hand for the alter call. I was a deer in the headlights thinking maybe I raised my hand on accident, but after processing everything and wrestling out some things I realize it was much deeper than that. While I know I didn’t physically raise my hand, I think I did spiritually. It’s not that I haven’t made Jesus Lord over my life, I’ve been walking in some significant sin that I wanted to avoid dealing with and that was my wake-up call.
I can’t remember the last time I heard this song, but it was running through my head on repeat:
Here is where I lay it down Every burden, every crown This is my surrender This is my surrender Here is where I lay it down Every lie and every doubt This is my surrender. And I will make room for You To do whatever You want to To do whatever You want to.
My emotions rage. That’s the long and short of it, I can be uncontrollably angry in an instant. It’s not a violent anger, it’s the brooding kind that feeds on my thoughts. I was called out yesterday because, despite my best efforts, Jesus was not Lord over my thoughts. I’ve tried to wrestle this out in the past and gained some traction but slid back down that mountain pretty quickly. It wasn’t until yesterday, when I very closely identified with Peter in the story of Jesus' crucifixion, that it became clear that I hold myself under a heap of condemnation for the sin that my flesh can’t refrain from walking in.
In Jewish culture, Peter betrayed Jesus on a far greater level than Judas. The distress Peter experienced after the rooster crows very colorfully, yet subtly, illustrates the feelings I live with daily. While the Bible simply says, “And he went out and wept bitterly,” [Luke 22:62], if you dig into that more and follow Peter’s next steps, you’ll gain some insight into the struggle I’m laying down here. Peter was no longer a disciple of Jesus because he denied Him, publicly, three times. That was a simple, cultural fact, not something Peter made up in his head. Next, he did what just about anyone else in that situation would do, he returned to his old life. It makes complete sense to me. Later, after Jesus comes back to life, He very intentionally finds Peter and reinstates him. I know Peter’s mind was blown despite knowing firsthand the depth of Jesus’ love after walking with him for several years.
“There is therefore no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus [who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit].” Romans 8:1 + footnote of additional scripture for other manuscripts ESV
I always know that if I put on more than just foundation before church, that it’s going to be a heavy day and it’s coming off in tears. I put a full face on yesterday because it was Easter and it’s culturally ingrained in me to dress up more than usual for church on this holiday. Before we even got to the second song of the day, Dustin Hunt said something to the effect of: “I can choose to change my mind.” That was it, my mind was blown by that simple statement. It seems so elementary, but it opened up my mind and heart to everything that would be taught from stage later on. I’m so thankful that God has installed people in this body of believers who are willing to walk out their own obedience to him in a public space. There is a lot to be said for people who put away the lip service we were taught as kids growing up in church [and outside of it] and exchange it for words that are open, honest and vulnerable. This directs people to an intersection of change and sanctification.
Circling back to my main point here: my own condemnation has made it nearly impossible to walk in my identity in Christ. Just like Peter, I have the option to change my own mind and believe the good news of Jesus. Where he could have easily walked in shame for the rest of his life, Peter chose another a path because Jesus literally chased him down and called Peter back to Him. While Jesus won’t leave physical footprints in the Oklahoma red dirt to chase me down, He certainly used His body at Harrah Church to do exactly that.
These are the mountains I flew the plane over through all this:
I don’t know how to have compassion for myself as an imperfect and sinful person.
In that self-condemnation, I am doubting what God says about me and what He has promised me. It’s not on purpose, it’s simply a result.
It’s ok that my flesh is sinful, there’s no way around that. Just like it’s ok to make mistakes in life.
If God doesn’t condemn me, who am I to go against that?
Inbound cleared for landing:
“Now therefore fear the Lord and serve Him in sincerity and in faithfulness. Put away the gods that your fathers served beyond the River and in Egypt, and the serve the Lord. And if it is evil in your eyes to the serve the Lord, choose this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your fathers served in the region beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites in whose land you dwell. But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.” Joshua 24:14-15 ESV
Choose this day whom you will serve! Your flesh or Jesus? You must choose every minute of every day.
“Did that which is good, then, bring death to me? By no means! It was sin, producing death in me through what is good, in order that sin might be shown to be sin, and through the commandment might become sinful beyond measure. For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me.” Romans 7:13-18 ESV
When Jesus is Lord over everything, in this case my thoughts, that’s when I can do what I want and not what I hate.
“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.” Romans 8:1
If Jesus can forgive Peter, He can forgive you which means you can forgive yourself without guilt.
I had no idea what I’d been carrying around, the weight of this burden of condemnation and guilt has been a stumbling block that continued to trip me up without my knowledge. Much like those painted on lines of a high school gymnasium, this grabbed my ankles and took me to the floor. I’m walking in freedom today as I make Jesus Lord over my mind much the same way He became Lord of my time earlier this year. This process of sanctification is physically, mentally and spiritually taxing and painful, but the freedom waiting on the other side is what true contentment looks like this side of heaven. I’ll leave you with this:
“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. ‘The Lord is my portion,’ says my soul, ‘therefore I will hope in Him.’” Lamentations 3:22-24
*Footnote: I don’t write any of this for a pat on the back, in fact, sharing these blogs is obedience to the Lord. My body physically trembles when I write anything that I end up sharing and the words pour out of me. It is truly the Lord working through me here. When I try to write something of my own accord, the words don’t come out and my body is still. That’s the only reason anything makes it to this space.
Comments