Wow, this is an intense prompt. Five years seems like forever and a moment ago all at the same time. I was a completely different person back then in almost every way possible. I'm sure lots of people can identify with that in their own life and anyone who knew me back then would vehemently agree. Grab your floaties because this is going to get pretty deep and likely very lengthy. I'll start at the beginning.
2017
This was the beginning of my second semester in graduate school when I was pursuing my Master's degree in animal science. I was about as far away from the Lord as I'd ever been in my life at this point. A big part of that was who I was dating at the time. He was a Mormon, or least said he was. I got him to go to church with me once, but that was super uncomfortable, so it ended then and there. I even had thoughts of exploring Mormonism for a time, but never acted on it. That was definitely the Lord's protection even when I had basically turned my back on him completely.
Part of the draw away from the Lord was what I wanted to be as a professional: a horse trainer. This person made promises that he could help make that happen for me and then in the same breath told me I couldn't do it without him. There were some interesting mind games going on there, in hindsight. Anyhow, I was chasing after what I wanted and what I thought was best for me. It's almost funny to think about now, but it was actually a super dark time in my life. I was being pulled away from my family and friends, which was isolating. But back to who I was in that year instead of what was happening around me...
After spending the summer riding horses for my boyfriend's family and writing for Rodeo News, I went back to Stillwater for my second year of grad school. It was a sigh of relief because I had some freedom finally. A lot of that freedom lead me to try a few new things. One of those was entering a rodeo queen contest for the first, and last, time. I needed a horse trailer of my own to feel comfortable getting away from the person who was trying to control my life. Becoming Miss ACRA was very pivotal. As someone who doesn’t like to try new things for fear of failure, it was a pretty big accomplishment. That contest was in November and I was finally single in February.
Life was happening fast since I was graduating in May and that meant I had to find a big-kid job to start paying those adult bills. That’s when I started getting to know Kennedy, who is now my husband. We were both very different people back then. As Kennedy would describe it, we were living hard and fast. We were the typical Sunday morning Christian, when we could get out of bed to go after a long Saturday night of course. In other words, I was wrapped up in the world and everything it thought I should be and do. Hopefully that painted a pretty good picture.
2022
Today, I’m a mom which is straight-up baffling. Not a lot of people know but it wasn’t until about October of 2020 that I had even a slight inkling that I wanted to have kids on my own. I didn’t grow up babysitting or loving little kids that I wasn’t related to. That just wasn’t me or my personality. I think I’d always been drawn to older people more so than the younger crowd even when I was kid. Part of that could be attributed to the fact that I was homeschooled and all my cousins were quite a bit older so I didn’t spend much time with kids my own age. But my heart changed and that wasn’t something that I was asking for, it just happened. I know it was God who did that because I wasn’t talking to anybody about that, so I wasn’t being swayed a certain way, that’s for sure.
I can assume with a lot of certainty that having Gus was part of God’s will for me but not in the “obviously otherwise it wouldn’t have happened kind of way.” It was just something I knew in my gut was supposed to happen and my change of heart was a direct result of walking in obedience to the Lord. That is one of the biggest changes, which happened in July 2020 when I was born again. It was on my 26th birthday because I like symbolism a whole bunch. Sure I was baptized as a kid, but this time was completely different. You can read about it here.
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