Almost four years ago exactly, I bought a cute little notebook from TJ Maxx with a feather on it and the phrase “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.” I intended to quickly fill this notebook up with sermon notes as I had a plan to start attending church on a regular basis, as a good Christian woman is “supposed” to do. It was my first semester in grad school, and I spent my summer working for a tyrant in the mountains of Colorado. That time spent in the mountains had helped me finally realize Jesus was missing in my life and I was trying to rectify that situation.
If you’ve been around me recently, then you’ve seen this notebook. Obviously I didn’t quickly fill that notebook in 2016 as planned. In fact, I’m only just now within ten pages of filling it up. That fall I started getting closer to God; something was stirring in me that was pointing me towards the Lord. Only now am I recognizing what was happening. Many of the things that have resonated with me this year, ultimately leading to my baptism in July, were introduced to me that fall. Naturally, the enemy decided I needed a distraction. Of course, it was a boy. Well that boy was some high-level adversity let me tell you what.
We know that as we draw closer to God, the harder the devil works. According to that notebook, I attended church twice and listened to some very heavy, hard-hitting truths. I quickly fell off the wagon as I got more involved with this boy and I attended church maybe every six months. At the time, I thought going to church was my only way to get a direct connection to God. One important fact about this boy is that he was not a Christian, his faith system was rooted in a religion that did not recognize Jesus as our Lord and Savior. There was nothing necessarily wrong with that except that it pulled me away from the faith that I was pursuing. One phrase from that first sermon I attended before meeting this boy really resonated with me:
Until you know who Jesus is, you’ll never know who you are.
I can be somewhat hard-headed and for the next 18 months I was attempting to figure who I was without Jesus. I was also being convinced that I couldn’t ever accomplish anything without that boy. I was being told my happiness would come from him. That obviously meant that if I ever left him, I couldn’t be happy, right? It sounds crazy now but it makes a lot of sense when that’s all I ever heard. I was simultaneously drifting away from the Lord and my family. I’ve got the stress sweats just thinking about this time in my life. I know I caused my parents a lot of grief, but I’m thankful they were praying for me and seeking counsel for how to help open my eyes.
It didn’t take long for me to realize staying with that boy was wrong, quite literally against the will of God. I subconsciously dared the Lord to make me leave him. I know the Lord didn’t leave me in this time of need, but I certainly didn’t feel his presence and that was my own fault entirely. I learned this spring that God isn’t always petitioning for your heart, and it was a scary fact to digest. The few times I did make it to church during that relationship the Lord was for sure trying to bring my focus back to him. Each of those sermons were monumental in later building a pillar of faith that I could in fact be happy without that boy. I wish I had the verses this statement came from, but my notes are lacking in that area:
Redefining scripture doesn’t make your actions right, your actions need to be square with scripture.
I also wish I had a verse for the moment that I finally ended this relationship, but it was just a nudge from my heart that I was truly unhappy. I finally ended the relationship for the second and final time in February 2018. I started dating my now husband a few months later. It was obviously a much healthier relationship but the stark difference between 2018 and 2020 is shocking. But that’s a story for a different time.
Looking back at that toxic relationship, I was really trying to understand why God would’ve put me in that situation. Nothing happens by chance so there had to be a very big purpose for it, right? Right. And only now have I figured it out. The Lord was showing me what life without him would look like and how easily I could fall into despair should I choose that path indefinitely. Satan led me away from God just before I could let the Holy Spirit mold me, and I openly allowed it. That adversity is now a pillar of faith that I can stand on: my life with Jesus is infinitely better than it could ever be without him, no matter the amount of money or worldly happiness someone says they can provide me. Nothing compares to the love of Jesus. As for finding out who I am through Jesus? I’m still on that journey, but it’s so very colorful and chalked full of incredible people who I now get to do life with as I work through the process of sanctification. Much to my surprise, I first heard that term in 2016 and ran away from it only to discover I was on a boomerang and would eventually circle back to it. I’m right back where I was in 2016, but it’s a very different experience this time around.
Adversity + bold prayers + God = supernatural results
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