I absolutely loathe how long it takes me to process things. Part of that lengthy timeline can be attributed to the fact that I straight-up avoid confronting things if it’s going to be difficult, as it often is. I’ll do just about anything to refrain from digging deep and doing the hard work. It’s a terrible character flaw that’s getting a remodel; slowly but surely.
For the last 10 or so months, a storm’s been brewing in the deep, dark crevices of my soul. I can say it all started when I found out I was pregnant with Gus last January and then two days later Kennedy was told he was heading to pilot training for the Air Force. Suddenly, life was changing, and we were stepping into a completely new phase of life. Alone. Or so it has seemed.
I say alone in the sense that we were moving to an Air Force base. Alone. We were going to be caring for a baby. Alone. Or at least that’s how I was feeling about all of it, unbeknownst to me until recently. Naturally. While Kennedy was at officer training school last spring, I was in a weird head space. In retrospect, I think I was mildly depressed. I continued to live in that super fun head space through the summer months. It was a little roller coaster-y because there were glimmers of good days, but then some super dark days also. Only now do I realize what was actually happening.
Part of my problem was the struggle I was having with my light. As strange as it sounds, that’s the simplest way to put it. I wasn’t letting my little light shine. I was trying to be open, honest and vulnerable by sharing my faith publicly and it backfired. It backfired in the worst way I could think of. Is there anything more terrifying than your worst fears coming true? I would guess so – I’m just being a little dramatic. Shocker.
That small episode of adversity caused a big shift in my life. I let it shake me to the core. I stopped consistently sitting with the Lord as a result. It’s the exact opposite of what I should’ve done, but if you know me at all then you’ll understand why that was the logical next step. You see, if I don’t spend time with the Lord then he can’t really teach me anything. Or at least not nearly as much or as significant than if I’m actively sitting in His word. But the logic for me is that if I don’t sit with the Lord, then he won’t be teaching me anything so I won’t have to obey what I learn and then feel compelled to share it. Problem solved. If I don’t have anything to share, then I don’t have to open myself up to the world again.
It's a pretty stupid plan, and it only worked for a short period. Thankfully, the Lord’s been chasing me down. He’s always faithful when I’m faithless. I didn’t know it until now, but it’s been slowly killing me – spiritually, mentally, emotionally and even physically. I’ve been carrying this weight. It was a heavy load to bear, especially when I had no idea that I was saddled with it.
I took Gus on a walk around the base last week, and I started thinking about everything that was clouding my mind. I word vomited when we got back to the house, and I was surprised at what I found. In the interest of being OHV, here are some of the big ones:
I don’t have enough time to do all that I want/need to
I can’t make time with the Lord a priority o Why? If I hear His voice, I’ll be compelled to listen, obey and share
If I don’t keep writing, I won’t be relevant as a professional anymore
Those are just some of the highlights. But it led me to Galatians 1:10:
“For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.”
This has always been a relevant verse for me as I wrestle with my flesh over and over and over again. Because the Word is alive and active (Hebrews 4:12), it hit a little different this time. So, I ate it.
Approval: to seek to win one; please one
New/presently: refers to the present as the time to act o To live in the now o Being alive unto God now o Romans 6:11 “So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus.”
Please: satisfy, winning someone’s favor (approval/affection) by meeting their expectation (especially by being in moral agreement)
Servant: referred to with the highest dignity in the New Testament; believers who willing live under Christ’s authority as His devoted followers o Making Jesus Lord (absolute owner) over your life
A simple song came to mind in all this: this little light of mine. I can remember belting this one out as a kid and thinking I knew what it was talking about. The concept is easy but walking it out is something else entirely. I have allowed the world to guide a majority of my thoughts and actions in the last few months. As a result, I’ve been hiding my light under a bushel. It rips me apart to think about this in action in my life, but it’s a good Kairos. I’m starting to fully grasp that growth has to be painful to be significant enough to cause change. Accepting that I can’t continue running from the hard work simply because it will be painful is a big pill to swallow. I’m not naïve enough to think I haven’t known this fact, but accepting it and putting it into action is a different story; one I’m currently reading and subsequently writing.
From all this, I’ve made some observations about myself:
I have to live out Joshua 24:15 every single day. Every day I have to choose who I’m going to serve: the world or God? I might even be making this choice minute by minute some days, but if that’s what it takes then so be it.
I can no longer care what the world thinks or believes about me, because it genuinely doesn’t matter. I have to teach myself to stop trying to win the approval or affection of anyone made of flesh and bone. o Basically, I no longer care what people think or even say about me. Good or bad. And I mean that in the most respectful way possible. I just don’t care anymore, at least that’s what I’ll be striving for.
This was a lot to unpack on a Monday, but I feel so much lighter. It’s always a relief to understand what’s been going on in my own head, because it’s such a messy place. If you made it down here, I hope this is helpful for you somehow.
I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that Gus and I listened to several versions of “Let It Shine” contemplating this topic. This one was our favorite.
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